Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR51-60/hum057

Internet Message Format | 1994-03-21 | 123KB

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Date:         Tue, 8 Mar 1994 06:30:55 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00057"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 21:09:43 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         List John Hinkle <[e-mail]>
Subject:      cucumbers

Forgive me for repeating this old joke, but:

Q: Why is a cucumber better that a man?

A: it dosen't make you sleep in the wet spot

p.s. does anyone have access to the "101 ways a cucumber is better that a man" list?
        if you do please send it to: [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 21:15:07 EST
Reply-To:     "Biology grows on you." <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     To: [e-mail]
Comments:     Resent-From: GEELKINS@ECUVM1
Comments:     Originally-From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was
              when I wanted to be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
From:         Rich Elkins <[e-mail]>
Subject:      11 reasons a cucumber is better.......

Someone requested about the cucumber things. I sent the posting to the printer
and deleted it. Then I found that the printer was down. Too Late. So if you
dont care to read this again, just delete now. Its not 101 reasons, but heres
at least 11 of them.
Sorry. Rich

RICH ELKINS   SENIOR-GEOGRAPHY, MINOR-INTERNATIONAL STUDIES
346 GARRETT HALL, EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY (ECU)
GREENVILLE, NC 27858   [phone]
BITNET: GEELKINS@ECUVM1   INTERNET: [e-mail]
VAX: [e-mail]  (FOR INTERACTIVE STUFF)

"HI MY NAME IS HOBBES! IM THE PRODUCT OF A MALICIOUS 5-YEAR OLD'S
TWISTED AND DESTRUCTIVE IMAGINATION. WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?"
----------------------------Original message----------------------------
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:

1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep
   in the wet spot.
2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
3) You won't find out that your cucumber
        ... is married
        ... is on penicillin
        ... likes you -- but loves your brother!
4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
6) Cucumbers dont say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
10)Cucumbers don't care of you make more money than they do.
11)With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 21:26:41 EST
Reply-To:     Jeff Cutter <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jeff Cutter <[e-mail]>
Subject:      111 reasons a cucumber is better than a man...

This is my first post so I don't know if I'm doing this right,...
but I have a list of 111 reasons a cucumber is better than a man...
it is however obviosly too long to post, so If anyone wants it
you can e-mail me, my address is [e-mail]...

Sorry to the person who requested the list, I deleted your message then
realized I had the list... jsut send me your address again :)

Later,
Jeff
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 18:31:19 -0800
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Heather Roberson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      unsubrcribe

Please unsubscribe me from the list--Heather Roberson
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 20:39:28 -0700
Reply-To:     POITEVIN TIMOTHY <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         POITEVIN TIMOTHY <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Bad attitude
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

      CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
      -----------------------------------------------------

Name:_______________________________       Gang:_________________________

1. Jamal has an AK47 with a 40 round clip.  If he misses 8 out of 10
   shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by
   shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320
   and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram.  What is the street value of the
   balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls.  If the price is $65 for each trick, how
   many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day
   crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.  How
   many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4.
   If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to
   steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 8 years for murder.  He got $10,000 for the
   hit.  If his commonlaw wife is spending $100 per month, how much money
   will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get
   for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is
   .8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang.  There are 27 girls in the gang.
   What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?


[e-mail]
(hi Shannon)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 23:07:09 -0500
Reply-To:     CUTIE <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         CUTIE <[e-mail]>

Unsubscribe Lauren Havighurst
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 23:57:18 -0600
Reply-To:     Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      New McMaggots! Now with ants!

Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 10:06:45 PST
Reply-To:     Southeast Asia Discussion List <[e-mail]>
Sender:       Southeast Asia Discussion List <[e-mail]>
From:         James Do <[e-mail]>
Subject:      News/Cooking: China says ants can spice up a maggot diet

    BEIJING (Reuter, 1/26) -  China's official Xinhua news agency,
which announced this week that maggot extract is a good source of
nutrition, urged people Thursday to add ants to their diet with a set
of recipes cooked up by a professor.
    Wu Zhicheng, ``an expert on ant diet'' based in the central city of
Nanjing, has worked out dozens of recipes for ant-based cakes, teas and
wines in an effort to promote ant eating, it said.
    ``Ants are a miniature nutritious treasury,'' Xinhua quoted Wu as
saying, adding that ants contained more zinc than either soybeans or
pig liver.
    Xinhua said Chinese have been eating ants for more than 3,000 years
and ``the longevity of many old people who are now over 100 years old
has been found to be connected with an ant diet.''
    The edible ant suggestion follows Xinhua's report Saturday that
announced a scientific team had worked out a way to develop maggots as
a ``huge new source of nourishment for the 1990s.''
    ``Maggot products are surprisingly appealing,'' Xinhua said.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 13:52:00 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Kenneth Salstrom <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Address, Junkmail, Earthquake (old earthquake, not the recen

          Re. junk mail;
               The other day I received three 'preapproved' credit
          cards applications.  The info was ripped up, and returned to
          them in the postage paid envelopes.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 17:18:00 -0500
Reply-To:     Jimmy Scott Hsu <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jimmy Scott Hsu <[e-mail]>
Subject:      unsubscribe me
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

Please take me off your list. thanks
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 01:23:56 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nic van der Vyver <[e-mail]>
Subject:      english language (clean)

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From: Nico van der Vyver
Subject: english language (clean)



We have had a number of contributions throwing language about a bit
and even complaints about poor spelling all of which brought to mind
the following little "rhyme".



Guess which well-known children's rhyme is paraphrased here:



"Scintillate, scintillate globule vivific,
 Fain would I fathom thy nature specific.
 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
 Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous."








(see below)....


...






"Twinkle, twinkle little star,
 How I wonder........"

____________________________________________________________________



There may be some of you out there who do not agree that the above
satisfies the rule of "substantial examples of humorous material",
despite the fact that it brings FUN to the table.

Therefore, just to play it safe, here are some REAL jokes (cat. "risque"):



Why is a man's best side his backside?

                              Because of the >>balls up<< in front!

and








What is better than being nailed to the wall?

                              Screwed on the floor!
____________________________________________________________________
--------------------------------------------------------------------


(I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead)




n
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 01:55:34 EST
Reply-To:     RiffRaff <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         RiffRaff <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Address, Junkmail, Earthquake (old earthquake, not the recen
In-Reply-To:  Message of 01/26/94 at 13:52:00 from ,
              [e-mail]

*************
Re. junk mail;
The other day I received three 'preapproved' credit
cards applications.  The info was ripped up, and returned to
them in the postage paid envelopes
*************

I prefer bricks, myself. >:)
--Riff
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 09:44:27 GMT
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Serious Serial stiff (stuff, I mean)

Last night I was at a comedy club, and the audience was invited to
answer the question:

        What's the difference between Prince Charles and a Pop Tart.

Some of the entries were rather rubbish. My contribution was:

        Princess Di liked eating Pop Tarts..

But the overall winner was:

        Pop Tarts do not usually come in bowls.

(I am sure that we've heard that one before!)

Derryck.

p.s: Pop Tarts are a cereal made by Kelloggs
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 10:33:17 +0000
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sean Boy <[e-mail]>
Organization: University College Dublin
Subject:      school kids - mildly sexual - may offend Jesus Freaks

A teacher was giving a religion lesson to 8 year olds:

Teacher: Can anyone tell me what part of your body goes to heaven
         first, when you die?
Student1: It is your heart, because god want's us to love people.
Teacher: Good answer, anyone else?
Student2: It is your soul, because God resurrects your soul.
Teacher: Very good. Anyone else?
Student3: It is your legs.
Teacher: Why do yo say that?
Student3: Well last night I went into my parent's room and Mommy had
          her legs up in the air and was shouting "Oh God, I'm CUMING"

Don't know what you don't know. Only know what you know.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 11:55:41 GMT
Reply-To:     Erik Tjernlund <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Erik Tjernlund <[e-mail]>
Organization: Science Fiction BBS tel [phone]
Subject:      PLEASE TAKE ME OFF THIS LIST!!!!

ARRAAAAGHHHHH!!!!!!
PLEASE, PLEASE, please take me off this list!!
It's flooding my mailbox with something like 40 stupid jokes a day!!

Sincerely Yours

Erik Tjernlund


 _Tel: [phone] _24h/day V.32/32"_   _  _
(_' _ , _  _  _ _    l_ , _ l_, _  _  l_) l_)(_'
._)(_ l(-'l )(_(-'   l  l(_ l l(_)l ) l_) l_)._)
[e-mail] Author: Erik Tjernlund, Date:28-Jan-94
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 11:35:58 GMT
Reply-To:     Gary Chapman <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Gary Chapman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Non offensive

Teacher was talking to her class of 10 year olds one day when she asks
O.K. children I want you to put the word lovely into a sentence,
Little Emily put up her hand, Yes Emily lets hear your sentence,
   "On my way to school this morning the sun was shining directly upon
the Daffodils in our meadow, and it was lovely"
   Excellent Emily, Excellent. has anybody else got a sentence to which
little Micheal puts up his hand, Yes Micheal lets hear it,
   "On my way to school this morning I seen some baby ducks swimming in
the pond with their mammy and it was lovely"
Very good young Micheal very good, now has anybody else got one,
so little Pat puts up his hand, yes Pat lets hear your sentence,
   "My 15 year old sister told my parents she was pregnant and that was
lovely.   My god replies the teacher how would that be lovely.
   Well she told mammy and daddy that she was 3 months pregnant and
Daddy say ah jesus thats Lovely just fucking lovely.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 08:27:18 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Linda Poole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: HUMOR Digest - 22 Jan 1994 to 23 Jan 1994

There once was cuntlapper's daughter
Who, despite all her father had taught her,
    Would become so unstrung
    At the touch of a tongue
That she'd deluge her beau with water.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 09:37:24 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      From the Daily Collegian

Beaver Falls, PA - Engineering student Mark Schaefer was roused by loud
noises practically every night for two months. So he decided it ws only
fair that others should know what he was going through.

And that earned him a one week suspension from college and left him owing
200 hours of community service.

Schaefer, a student at Geneva College, was tired of a faulty security system
in his dormatory that caused a high-pitched alarm to sound nearly every
time a student entered or left the building.

With the help of another student, Schaefer rigged his computer to ring the
home phones of seven school administrators four times from 2 am to 5 am on
December 6.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 09:10:55 -0500
Reply-To:     Duane Bradley Gabor <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Duane Bradley Gabor <[e-mail]>
Subject:      take me off the list!!

PLEASE, PLEASE, remove my name from this list- my mailbox can't
handle 30 pieces of junk mail every day!

duane.
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 10:03:18 EDT
Reply-To:     "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bobbitt joke

Some of my friends are referring to last week's snow as a "Bobbitt snow" --
because it's four inches on the ground.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 10:37:30 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Hilde Horvath <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Unkind to  Greekse

Regarding the Tanya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan mess:

One man said to another, "Giloolly?  What kind of name is Giloolly?"

The other man:  "It's Greek for Buttafuocco."

(Heard on WCTC New Brunswick)
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 07:38:00 PST
Reply-To:     Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Tacos

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Forgive my reply with a joke just as old, but:

Q: Why is a taco better than a woman?

A: It doesn't mind sleeping in the wet spot.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Forgive me for repeating this old joke, but:

Q: Why is a cucumber better that a man?

A: it doesn't make you sleep in the wet spot

p.s. does anyone have access to the "101 ways a cucumber is better that a
man" list?
        if you do please send it to: [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 11:22:00 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Brucker <[e-mail]>
Subject:      yo!!

    Speaking of multiculturalism....

    I have a friend who is half black and half
    Japanese....

    Every December 7 he bombs Pearl Bailey.  :-)


                 pb
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 11:40:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Bad attitude  (and language, too)

Tom Murray wrote about "perky fuckers" annoying you with "hey, it takes 48
muscles to frown and only 7 to smile."

well, i've got one which is mostly male-oriented.  it's the second-best
retort i think i've ever heard in my entire life:

perky, young nymph with a look of admonishment on her face:
     "why, YOU're old enough to be my FAther!"
retort delivered with just the right tone of contempt and without missing a
single beat:
     "if she'd had change for a ten that night, i might have been."

this should elicit one of three responses:

1.  "huh?"  (keep working on this one.  she might change her mind.)

2.  extreme fury followed by a slap i the face (the rage mounts quickly.  if
you see even a *glimmer* of death in her eyes, step back out of arm's reach
*fast!*  she knows she's been insulted, but is too inclined to violence to
come up with any other reaction.)

3.  flustered embarassment.  (this one has been put in her place.  she knows
she's insulted you, and, therefore, accepts her return insult graciously.
you can give up, though.  she's not going to belittle herself further by
continuing with snappy banter.)

 - - - - - - - - - - - - -

the all-time BEST retort i ever heard was used on me, and then i had to wait
three years before i could use it on someone else.  and i haven't, to this
day, had the opportunity to use it again.

the set-up is that you ahve to do something *really* dumb.  someone has to
see you do it, and has to try to console you by saying, "hey, it happens to
the best of us!"

the reply, in this case is, "obviously."

 - - - - - - - - - - - - -

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 11:32:05 GMT
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim Davis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      New SAT (Off. to women)

Everyone's talking about how the SAT (college entrance exam) is racially and se
xually biased.  (Just 37% of National Merit Semifinalists were female)  So, to
equal out the bias, here are a few new test questions to be added:

1.  Molly is going camping.  If her period usually lasts 5 days, and she uses a
 24-tampon box per period, how many tampons must she take if she expects to get
 her period on day four of the week-long trip?

2.  Gel is to hair as:
    a.  oxygen is to lungs
    b.  mascara is to wand
    c.  Wayne is to Garth

3.  Luke Perry:
    a.  discovered the North Pole
    b.  stars on a soap
    c.  shut up, I'm watching TV

4.  Donna's chemistry teacher calls on boys 75% of the time.  If there are twic
e as many boys as girls in the class, and 18 students raise their hands at once
, what it the chance that Donna will ever become a famous scientist?

ANSWERS
  ∫∫
  ∫∫
 \∫∫/
  \/

1.  20, but anyone with a brain would take the whole box. (2)a, (3)c, (4) It's
 a long shot but go for it Donna!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 10:51:57 EST
Reply-To:     Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Would you like to stop receiving this list?

   1) Send the following to:             [e-mail]
      as in (no subject is required):

      > From: Larry Kyrala
      > To:   LISTSERV at uga.cc.uga.edu
      > Subject:
      >
      > SIGNOFF HUMOR

   2) Wait for a response.  You are now off the list!

_______________________________________________________________________

SINNERS REPENT:

      Oh Lord, grant me salvation, grant me peace...
      For all those who knoweth not the difference between
          thy LISTSERV and thy HUMOR addresses,
      For all those who I led astray,
      For all those who sent UNSUBSCRIBE, to HUMOR to Mother, to anyone...
      For all those who sent SIGNOFF to HUMOR instead of LISTSERV,
      For all those who didn't buy "The Whole Internet User's Guide",
          (by Ed Krol, $29.95 at most fine booksellers)
      For all those people who never read *all* the instructions
          before running around the classroom like a chicken,
      For all those people with Management degrees who can't surf,
          (internet or otherwise)

      By Thy Grace, grant them This, o' Lord,
      That those with clues, shall share,
      And those without, shall listen.

- The Church of Latter Day, Nondenominational Wit.
_______________________________________________________________________________

 "It's at times like these, that one longs for the
  Budda's lotus sermon..."
                                    _ __ ___ ____ _____ ______ _______ ________

                                    Internet :  [e-mail]
_______________________________________________________________________________
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 12:04:27 -0500
Reply-To:     Andrew B Stellman <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Andrew B Stellman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Removal Requests

I dunno about you guys, but I think the fact that people know how to
subscribe to mailing lists but can't figure out how to unsubscribe is
probably the funniest joke of them all!

(I'm including a funny signature, just so this message has some real
humor content.)

Andy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
Andrew Stellman | The rain it raineth on the just                |
[e-mail]     |         And also on the unjust fella           |
read alt.spleen | But chiefly on the just, because               |
be kind to frogs|         The unjust steals the just's umbrella. |
________________|________________________________________________|
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 10:05:00 -0800
Reply-To:     "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to Catfish

Q:  What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?


A:  One is a slimy, bottomfeeding, scum-eating scavanger, and the other is a
    fish.

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  |                              Dr. Dave                                    |
  |  [e-mail]                                                 |
  |                                                                          |
  |                                I am a bottom feeder of the pop culture.  |
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 10:41:15 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 1/27/94 (9/17/93)

The Late Show is in reruns all week.  Here's the list:

---> September 17, 1993 <---

=================================================
Top Ten Highlights Of Clinton's Health-Care Plan
=================================================

10. Al Gore: Band-Aid Czar
 9. Every American man, woman and child gets a free cough drop!
 8. If you give 10 bucks to the janitor at the organ bank, he'll let you
    touch the livers
 7. Anyone with 20/20 vision can now collect royalties from the tv show "20/20"
 6. No more plastic surgery for Nancy Reagan
 5. All medical bills sent to Ross Perot
 4. You break the record for all-time highest body temperature -- you keep the
    thermometer
 3. Roger Clinton can write his own prescriptions
 2. "Turn your head & cough" exam to be administered by the Gabor sister of
    your choice
 1. Two words: sneeze tax


Hello to everyone on the HUMOR listserv which is now on our subscription!
Enjoy the lists!

Brian Peek
[e-mail]
List Owner

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|                 Listserv, send mail to:  [e-mail]                 |
|                                                                           |
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=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 13:17:46 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sim Webster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      PC Lexicon Part 2 of 3 <political>

PC LEXICON by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw (two self-described Clinton-
Democrats; so this is humor, not some nuts venting their anger because they're
losers).

"Insensitive Term"                         "Preferred Term"

- - - PEOPLE : SUB-GROUPS <-

Handicapped                     -   Differently Abled
                                    Handi-Capable
                                    (Blind  -  Optically Darker
                                               Photonically Non-receptive
                                     Deaf   -  Visually Oriented)

Poor                            -   Economically Unprepared

Bum                             -   Homeless Person
                                    Displaced Homeowner
                                    Philosophy Major

Hunter                          -   Animal Assassin
                                    Meat Mercenary
                                    Bambi Butcher

Commercial Fisherman            -   Flipper Whipper

Whaler                          -   Blubber Lover

Old Person / Elderly            -   Senior Citizens
                                    4th-Dimentionally Extended
                                    Gerontologically Advanced

Conservative                    -   Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig

Drug Addict                     -   Chemically Challenged

Bald                            -   Comb-Free

Vegetable                       -   Noble Unconcious Hero

Bisexual                        -   Sexually Non-preferential

Midget, Dwarf                   -   Little People
                                    Vertically Challenged

Insane People                   -   Selectively Perceptive
                                    Mental Explorers

Tree-Hugger                     -   Environmental Activist

Logger                          -   Wood Weasel
                                    Paper Pirate
                                    Treeslayer

Obese/Fat                       -   Differently Weighted
                                -   People of Mass
                                -   Gravitationally Challenged

Corpse/Stiff/etc                -   Victim of GlosBiDS
                          (Global Systematic Biological Dysfunction Syndrome)


- - -------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 1992 - FRIEDMAN/HALADYNA - All Rights Reserved
- - -------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 10:24:53 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  3.G     A collection of clean humor gathered on:  4 Oct 88

----------------------------------------------------

HORIZONS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE EDUCATIONAL TECHNOLOGY
===================================================
By Ross Williams 3 June 1988.

Recent studies have shown that while undergraduate students are more intelligent
than kindergarten students,  the mentality and attention span of  the two groups
are similar. With this  in mind, we introduce a new  concept in Computer Science
education:

COMPUTER SCIENCE SESAME STREET
==============================

Narrator:
One of these programs is not like the others,
One of these programs has a bug.
One of these programs is not like the others,
And if you can't tell which one, you're a mug.

One of these programs is not like the others,
One of these programs will really teach yer,
One of these programs is not like the others,
Yes, that's not a bug, that's a feature.

----------

Narrator: Hello Oscar, how are you today?
Oscar the Grouch: Go away: I've just found a new garbage collection algorithm.
Narrator: Tell me about it Oscar....

----------

Kermit: This  is Kermit  the Frog reporting  for Sesame  Street news.  Today, we
     interview  Professor  Biskit who  works  on  cookie biosearch.
     Hello  Professor Biskit, what have you got there?
Prof: Arcchhh, I am trying to find out iv there is zarch a sing as an infinitely
     long  coorkie. Dis  machine vill  produce every  sort of  coorkie possible:
     big cookies, dittle cookies, square cookies, round cookies. The cookies come
     out dis hole here.
Kermit: You mean if  you get a really long cookie, it will  come out of the hole
     like a sausage?
Prof: Yaaaass, that's right.  Now I vill set de machine going,  and ve can start
     vatching de corkies.
GRRRRUNNNCCHHHH CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA...
Prof: Aass here comes one,... CLUNK
Cookie Monster: Cooooookie! Chomp.
Prof: Und another. Dis one eees square: CLUNK.
Kermit: Uh professor...
Prof: Don't bother me now, I'm vatchin coorkies.
Kermit: What if there isn't an infinitely long cookie?
Prof: Then  they vill come out  of dis machine  forever - there are  an infinite
     number of possible corkies you know.
Kermit: And what if the machine starts making an infinitely long cookie?
Prof: Thats obvious you frogk, I vill have to vait for it to come out.
Kermit: And how long will that take?
Prof: Forever.
Kermit: So if  there isn't an infinitely  long cookie, you have  to wait forever
     and if there is, you have to wait forever  too. How are you going to find
     out if there is an infinitely long cookie today?
Prof: Don't interrupt. Here comes a triangular one viff purple spots.
Cookie monster: CRUNCH. GULP.
Prof: My machine!
Kermit: Well, it looks as if the  cookie monster has transcended the question of
      whether there is an infinitely long cookie  by eating the cookie machine.
      A good thing as the computation was UNCOMPUTABLE.

----------

Narrator: Hello Big Bird. What's all this mess?
Big Bird: I'm planting a binary  tree. That way, I  can nest in it  and I won't
          have to fly South for the winter.
Narrator: How long will it take for the tree to grow tall enough?
Big Bird: If I add branches randomly it will take me log_2(t)/1.386.
Narrator: Tell me why, Big Bird?

----------
This program has been brought to you by the language C and the number F.
This has been a production of the Computer Science Television Workshop.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 11:38:00 MST
Reply-To:     Chris Farmer <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Chris Farmer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      I heard a great poem!

Since I hurt my pendulum
My life is all erratic.
My parrot, who was cordial,
Is now transmitting static.
The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
The cat keeps doing poo.
The only thing that keeps me sane
Is talking to my shoe.
                -- My Shoe

Thanks for caring, guys!
Chris

PS: does anybody have ASCII pictures of the Animaniacs?
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 12:43:20 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jeff Shelly <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bobbit and cucumbers

And now, to join two popular topics, the reason #102 why
cucumbers are better then men:
    If you slice a cucumber up after you're done with it you
    don't have to go through a nasty trial.

--
Jeff Shelly
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 12:55:00 CST
Reply-To:     stephen davis <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         stephen davis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      UNSUBSCRIBING & Murphy's Laws of Combat

Sorry Bill, I tried to trim it, but this post is close to 100 lines.
************************************************************************
This section of the post is for ALL of the people receiving email from
this list who post requesting to be removed/dropped/unsubscribed..

I don't give a flying-flip if feel the posts do not meet your standards
for humor, you're receiving too much mail, you're tired of receiving
junk mail or whatever. By not bothering to pay attention to proper
procedures and sending a post to the entire list requesting to be
removed you contribute to every aspect you complain about. The only
person who has the privilege and is authorized to add/remove manually is
the list owner, Bill Edwards. He appends instructions on how to control
the mail to each of his posts. It's more than inconsiderate to expect
him to take the time to do something for you that should be done by
software that's automated. Now, read, and if you have trouble reading
and following simple instructions, get the hell away from the computer
and stop annoying those don't.

        *****TO STOP RECEIVING POSTS FROM HUMOR*****

In the BODY of an email (the subject line is ignored) type the following
text (2 simple words):

SIGNOFF HUMOR

Send the email from the SAME computer account you used to get on the
list. Then, send it to the LISTSERV (not HUMOR). There are two listserv
addresses to send it to:

1. LISTSERV@UGA
2. [e-mail]

If after sending email to both addresses fail to get you off the list,
THEN ask for Bill for assistance to get you removed. His email address
is:

[e-mail]

(Bill, I realize this list is supposed to be for humorous material only
and I apologize for not sending the process to signoff privately to each
individual. I did just that to at least half-dozen people, but I don't
have the time nor patience to continue doing so since the number of
improper requestes have increased DRAMATICALLY.)
************************************************************************

                        MURHPY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
                        -----------------------

  1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

  2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

  3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

  4. There is always a way.

  5. The easy way is always mined.

  6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

  7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

  8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
     a. when you're ready for them.
     b. when you're not ready for them.

  9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

 10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.

 11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

 12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

 13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

 14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

 15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

 16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able
     to get out.

 17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

 18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.

 19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

 20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 14:45:07 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Kevin R. Cain" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Addr: Clean joke

FROM: Kevin R. Cain

The following may be offensive to firefighters, cleaning products
manufacturers, cereal makers, landscapers, dog lovers and anybody else
who doesn't have a life.


                        HOUSEHOLD TIPS

1.  If you have a busy schedule, try sleeping in your microwave.
    You can get an entire hours of sleep in only 3 mintues 15 seconds.
2.  If your child won't clean their room, burn it down and make
    them sleep in the kitchen.
3.  Too much violence on TV? A well placed cement building block through
    the screen will curb, if not altoghter eliminate, the problem.
4.  If you eat a loaf of bread before it becomes stale, it will not
    become stale.
5.  Plant your grass sideways and it will not grow upwards - eliminates
    the need for lawn mowers.
6.  Save wear and tear on your house by living in a tent in the garden.
7.  Breaking out all of your windows will save hundreds a year on Windex.
8.  Placing those old used toothbrushes in a cereal package will add
    excitement and delight to your kids' faces at breakfast.
9.  If a neighbor's dog keeps you awake at night with barking, a simple
    gun shot wound to the head should get the dog to lay motionless
    and enable you to get a good nights sleep.
10. Tune in next month when we tell you how to make your kids always
    say their prayers at night through the use of force and boogie
    man scare tactics.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 12:03:58 -0800
Reply-To:     "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Wild and Wacky world of sex laws

Here are a few examples of laws we humans make to try and control the
behavior (sexual of course) of animals (Like they care what we think of what
they do).

1. Better look after your male dog if you live in Danbury, Conn.  Should Fido
get a neighbor's dog preggers, the owner of the male dog is responible.
The owner is required by law to pay for the dog's abortion if one is deemed
necessary by her owner.  (Which of course begs the question-> It's
10 o'clock, do you know where your poodle is?)
        *slightly off topic but... couldn't this be considered social
engineering? I mean, After all both dogs are presumably consenting partners.
We would all be appalled if our parents told us to have an abortion if
we concieved a child with someone they didn't approve of*

2.  It's strictly against the law for hogs to be found "mating on airport
property" in Kingsville,  Texas. Any hog caught doing so will be rounded up
and auctioned off by the authorities. (That'll teach 'em!)

3.  Animals in Los Angeles County, Calif, Have a problem if they aren't able to
read the law that prohibits them from mating within 500 yards of a church,
school or tavern.  The penalty? $500 fine and/or up to 6 months in prison.
The law doesn't say who does the prison time.  Is it the culprit or the owner?
(Yet another example of why crime is so rampant in the U.S., Poor education.)

4. Fairbanks, Alaska, has a rather strange law governing the sexual activities
of their native mooose.  Tourists don't have to worry about inadvertently
seeing a moose mating with another moose within the city limits. All moose
are banned from "getting together" on ant public sidwalk. (Who told the moose?)
[ I think it's time for animals to stand up for their sexual rights and
fight the oppression of human sexual mores.  Since the dawn of time man
(this of course refers to the species Homo Sapian Sapian as a whole) has
oppressed these beings and prevented them from taking their right place
on the judical benches.  Rise RISE my friends! Take control of your
future and fight the tyranny of human sexual oppression]

Have a g'day and remember: If your not in bed by 10 o'clock.....go home
Mike
**What I want are clearly defined boundaries of doubt and uncertainty**
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 15:28:43 EST
Reply-To:     Derrick Cole Raleigh <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Derrick Cole Raleigh <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to obese people, women (and other primates)

I apologize for this being so long, but I was told the in college, and still
think it's funny...

--

This fat guy has tried just about every diet there is to lose weight.  However,
his efforts have all been for naught, as he simply can't drop the pounds.

One Sunday morning whilst finishing off a dozen doughnuts and reading the
paper, he happens upon a full-page ad for "Guaranteed Weight Loss Center:  Come
to us and you'll lose the weight, guaranteed."  He thinks, "Hmmm.  I'll be
near there tomorrow, I'll have a look-see."

The next day (after lunch), he finds himself at the door of the Center.  Taking
a deep breath of anticipation, he enters.  In the lobby there exists only a
door, a scale and the receptionist.

"Good afternoon!", she smiles.

"Hello.  I saw your ad and want to know what you're about.", he replies.

"Well, the plan is relatively simple;  for every pound you wish to lose, it
costs merely $1.  All you have to do is decide on an amount, pay and get
weighed and follow the instructions."

"Hmmm, sounds interesting.  Ok, to start, here's $5.  I want to lose 5 pounds."

"Fine!  Let's get your weight... Ok.  Simply go through this door to the last
door on the left, enter, close the door, lock it, turn on the light and do as
you're told.", she says.

So, he goes to the last door on the left, shuts and locks the door, turns on
the light and lo and behold, there's a voluptuous brunette, stark naked.

"Hello!", she says.  "If you can catch me, you can f*ck me."  She takes off
running, needless to say with him close on her heels.  After a while he
catches her, f*cks her and goes back to the lobby.  "Back already?", the
receptionist asks.  "Ok, step on the scale."

Sure enough, he's five pounds lighter.

"WOW!", he exclaims.  "This is great!  Here's $10.  I want to lose another 10
pounds."

"Ok, same as before, but this time go down the hall, up the stairs, and go to
the third door on the right.".

He proceeds to jog down the hall, scurry up the stairs, and enters the room,
where he again locks the door and cuts on the light.  Lo and behold, there's
another stunning stark naked woman, this time a blonde.

"Hello!", she says.  "If you can catch me, you can f*ck me."  As before, she
takes off running.  After a while he catches her, f*cks her and goes back to
the lobby.  "Ok, step on the scale.", says the receptionist.

Sure enough, he's ten pounds lighter.

"Oh, man!  Here's $100.  I want to lose it all!!!", he shouts.

"Ok, same as before, but this time go down the hall, up the stairs, and go to
the last door on the right.".

He proceeds to run down the hall, take the stairs two at a time, and enters
the last door on the right, where he again locks the door and cuts on the
light.  He turns around expecting another woman, when he sees a gorilla
sitting in the corner with a sign hanging around it's neck:

"If I catch you, I'm going to f*ck you."

Derrick
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 15:27:00 EST
Reply-To:     "HIPPO.ROBERT" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "HIPPO.ROBERT" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to eavesdropping mothers

A mother was standing in the kitchen listening to her little boy play with his
new train when she heard him say, "We've reached our destination! All you
sons-a-bitches leaving the train should get all of your shit and leave the
train as fast as you can! And all you sons-a-bitches boarding the train, move
your asses 'cause the train is ready to pull out now!"

The mother couldn't believe her ears and she ran into the room shouting, "You
know better than to act that way and use that kind of language. Now go to your
room until you learn how to play right!"

The little boy sat in his room for an hour before the mother came to the room
to release him from his punishment saying, "If you have learned your lesson,
you can go back down and play with your train." So off our little boy went
to resume his conductor rule.

Once again the mother stood in the kitchen listening as she heard her son say,
"We reached our destination. Everybody leaving the train please watch your
step and we hope you enjoyed the ride. And, everybody boarding the train,
please store your carry-on baggage under the seat and we hope you have a
pleasant trip. And, for all of those who are pissed off by the hour delay,
please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Have a good weekend!
Rob
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 15:21:51 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Goodmon Mu <[e-mail]>
Subject:      michael jackson

have you heard about the michael jackson doll?

it plays with our kids
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 15:28:25 -0600
Reply-To:     Ernie Gammon <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ernie Gammon <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bobbit & Dahmer

This may have already been posted here, but I just signed on,
and I heard this one this afternoon.  Here goes....

Q.  What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?

A.  Hey, you gonna eat that?
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 19:13:27 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jason Steele <[e-mail]>
Subject:      <Warning: Potentially in bad taste!>

     ADDENDUM to the Spring 1994 University Catalog
---------------------------------------------------------

(Warning - Potentially offensive to christians, virgins, babys,
        mathmaticians, chemistry profressors, phone-sex operators,
        flashers and anyone seriously majoring in Home Ec)

 o Chemistry 267 lab has been canceled for the remainder of the
semester.  Memorial services for Dr. Weiss will be held February 10th.

 o The Campus Crusade for Cthulu will NOT be offering the introductory
demon summoning class this semester due to lack of funds and available
virgins.

 o Sex Ed 240 lab is full for the next 5 years, no further requests
will be granted, although private tutoring will be offered.  For
information dial 1-900-SEX-EDU.  ($5.00 the first minute, $2.95 each
additional minute.)

 o The graduate course in Home Economics will be combined with the
Anthropology Department's "Humor in American Education" forum series.

 o The following courses have been added to the catalog:

        PSY 234 - Experimental Child Development.  Advanced applications
of baby-in-a-bottle.  PSY 234 lab is a corequisite.

        CSS 362 - Independant study in Artificial Ignorance.

        MAT 400 - Indiscrete mathmatics.  How to do Fourier transforms
in the nude.  Simpson's rule for exhibitionists.

        GS 835 - Post-doctoral general studies.  How to make sense
of registration.


*=========================================*================================*
!                                         !  Jason E. Steele               !
! The meek shall inherit the Earth        !  Hattiesburg, MS               !
!  The rest of us are going to the stars! !  DELPHI: TAMERLIN              !
!                                         !  Internet: [e-mail] !
*===========[ BABY ON BOARD ]=============*================================*
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 16:28:34 -0800
Reply-To:     Michael Thoeresz <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Michael Thoeresz <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: 111 reasons a cucumber is better than a man...
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

If they are funny please send them to me at [e-mail]
thanx


                                l l l l l
                               l l     l l
                              l    - -    l
                            l       |       l
                              l    ----   l
                              l---------- l




On Thu, 27 Jan 1994, Jeff Cutter wrote:

> This is my first post so I don't know if I'm doing this right,...
> but I have a list of 111 reasons a cucumber is better than a man...
> it is however obviosly too long to post, so If anyone wants it
> you can e-mail me, my address is [e-mail]...
>
> Sorry to the person who requested the list, I deleted your message then
> realized I had the list... jsut send me your address again :)
>
> Later,
> Jeff
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 17:35:19 MST
Reply-To:     Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: PLEASE TAKE ME OFF THIS LIST!!!!
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>; from "Erik Tjernlund" at Jan
              28, 94 11:55 am

>
> ARRAAAAGHHHHH!!!!!!
> PLEASE, PLEASE, please take me off this list!!
> It's flooding my mailbox with something like 40 stupid jokes a day!!
>
> Sincerely Yours
>
> Erik Tjernlund
>
>
>  _Tel: [phone] _24h/day V.32/32"_   _  _
> (_' _ , _  _  _ _    l_ , _ l_, _  _  l_) l_)(_'
> ._)(_ l(-'l )(_(-'   l  l(_ l l(_)l ) l_) l_)._)
> [e-mail] Author: Erik Tjernlund, Date:28-Jan-94
>

I say that when these people finally wake up and send their requests to
listserv instead of the list, we include these people in the CC: field
whenever we post.  Wouldn't that be a hoot?  >;-)
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 21:06:22 +000
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Kevin MacCuish <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive To Michael Jackson, Blacks, Young Boys, etc...

MacDonald's just started selling a new Meal Deal.
It's called the michael jackson special.
Guess what's in it?

     |
     |
     |
    \./









Dark meat between two 8 year old buns!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 19:52:23 -0500
Reply-To:     "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A banking joke

A famous hunter was vacationing in eastern Europe when reports
came out over the radio that a gang of vicious multinational
terrorists had escaped from a local jail. Being a public-minded
sort of a chap (must have been English :), he volunteered to
aid the authorities in tracking them through a forest.

The chase proceded at a terrific pace, with the hunter skillfully
leading a group of policemen from one campsite to another, but
seemingly always a day behind the terrorists. Then one day they
got a big break, as the hunter could tell that a family of bears
had also started trailing the escapees. At the next campsite they
came to, there was a scene of terrible carnage. Evidently the
bears had surprised the men at night, and in an awful scene they
had devoured every one of them.

Of course the policemen, being the anal sort of folk one would
expect, needed to track down and kill the bears, in order to
be certain that none of the gang had escaped. The hunter agreed
to continue tracking, and to shoot the bears to recover the
bodies (apparently bears eat their victims whole).

So they set off, and after a short while were able to catch up
with the baby bear, which the hunter duly shot. Using his long
Bowie knife (perhaps he was a yank after all) he slit the animal
up the middle, in a manner that would have made Lorena proud, to
display the corpse of a Pole, somewhat the worse for wear. Next
they caught up with the slightly faster female bear, and the
hunter revealed the grizzly (:)) remains of a Hungarian. Upon
seeing this ghastly sight the hunter turned to his companions
and exclaimed...
"Ah ha! The Czech's in the male!"


Now wasn't that worth it?

Question of the day: How is it that we get jokes repeated on the
list in such rapid succession? I envisage a scenario like this:
Joe-blo joins the list, and for a few days is a veritable
fount of humour for his chums. Eventually he admits to where
he is obtaining all this witty wisdom, and tells them how they
too can subscribe. Being congenial, humourous chaps themselves,
and CHOCK-FULL of jokes that they have ONLY JUST LEARNED, these
morons proceed to mail back to the list the same damned jokes
that the rest of us have just read. Irritating little fuckers.

Dr.Jeff F.      The doctor is in, but his personality is absent.
                (I hope you all have a lovely weekend)
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 28 Jan 1994 20:59:40 -0600
Reply-To:     Beth Pollock <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Beth Pollock <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Polak joke

How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree?

          l
          l
          l
      \   l   /
       \  l  /
        \ l /
         \l/
          !









Wave to him!!! ^^
               \/
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 00:10:22 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jason Steele <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Slightly scatological limerick...

While perched on a porcelain pot,
Debating what is and is not,
  I let out a groan
  And looked down from the throne
To discover there was quite a lot.


Happy friday night, everybody!


*=========================================*================================*
!                                         !  Jason E. Steele               !
! The meek shall inherit the Earth        !  Hattiesburg, MS               !
!  The rest of us are going to the stars! !  DELPHI: TAMERLIN              !
!                                         !  Internet: [e-mail] !
*===========[ BABY ON BOARD ]=============*================================*
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 01:49:25 -0600
Reply-To:     Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Salesman

----------------------------------------------------------------------
                          THE SALESMAN (a story)

And in those days, behold, there came through the gates of the city
a salesman from afar off, and it came to pass as the day went by he
sold plenty.

And in that city were they that were the order takers and they that
spent their days in adding to the alibi sheets. Mightily were they
astonished. They said one to the other, "how doth he getteth away with
it?". And it came to pass that many were gathered in the back office
and a soothsayer came among them. And he was one wise guy. And they
spoke and questioned him saying, "How is it that this stranger
accomplisheth the impossible?".

Whereupon the soothsayer made answer. "He of whom you speak is one hustler.
He ariseth very early in the morning and goeth forth full of pep. He
complaineth not, neither doth he know despair. He is arrayed in purple
and fine linen, while ye go forth with pants unpressed.

"While ye gather here and say one to the other, 'Verily this is a terrible
day to work', he is already abraod. And when the eleventh hour cometh,
he needeth no alibis. He knoweth his line and they that would stave him
off, they give him orders. Men say unto him 'nay' when he cometh in, yet
when he goeth forth he hath their name on the line that is dotted.

"He taketh with him the two angels 'inspiration' and 'perspiration' and
worketh to beat hell. Verily I say unto you, go and do likewise."

                                                      - Author Unknown
----------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 01:57:12 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 1/28/94 (10/28/93)

Dave was in reruns this week.  Here's the list:

---> October 28, 1993 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Signs Leona Helmsley Is Rehabilitated
=============================================

10. No longer seen jumping subway turnstiles
 9. Visits elementary schools teaching youngsters how to cheat on their taxes
 8. Four words:  She's a hugging machine
 7. All rooms in her hotels are now free!  Seriously!  Call 1-800-HELMSLEY
    right now to reserve yours!
 6. Always arrives on time for weekly face lift
 5. Before she was released, returned three dozen stolen towels to prison
    laundry
 4. Mumbled "sorry" after coldcocking the doorman
 3. Is receiving counseling for her addiction to mascara
 2. Has removed the word "bitch" from her resume
 1. Counts to ten, then slaps the houseboy

Brian Peek
[e-mail]
Owner of Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|  To subscribe to or unsubscribe from the Late Show with David Letterman   |
|          Top Ten List Listserv, send mail to:  [e-mail]           |
|                                                                           |
|       In the body of the message, enter the following to subscribe:       |
|           SUBSCRIBE LETTERMAN-TOP-TEN YourFirstName YourLastName          |
|                            or, to unsubscribe:                            |
|                       UNSUBSCRIBE LETTERMAN-TOP-TEN                       |
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Them special effects is fantastic." --Dave Letterman
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 15:24:15 +0300
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mo Mirzaa <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Weird but True (adult, may be ?)

This story is true. It happened in Jordan a few years ago. Here it goes:
An man went to the police station and filed a complaint against his son.
The policeman asked him: "what did your son do to you?". Well" the man
responded. "He Fucked me". "WHAT?" The policeman screamed. They brought
his son for questioning. It turned out that the son is a truck driver
and leaves town for extended periods of time. During some of his trips,
the father druged his son's wife and fucked her. Of course, she knew
what happened, so she told her husband when he returned. The son was so
furious that he decided to take revenge by the same method. So he
druged his own father, and . . . well.
And now you know the REST of the story !
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 15:26:50 +0300
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mo Mirzaa <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Weired but true ... continue

I forgot to add at the end of my message that if you have similar
incidents to tell, let us know and compare !
Mo Mirzaa
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 10:41:18 -0400
Reply-To:     William Anderson <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         William Anderson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to Lorena Bobbit

We had a bobbit snow here last night.

4 Inches on the ground.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 09:47:55 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mike Dalecki <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Great Retort

I saw this on the "Commish" a week or two ago.  Two guys were complaining
about having to ride together as partners in a patrol car.  The commish's
response:

"Both of you have me confused with someone who gives a damn what you want!"


Mike Dalecki
University of Wisconsin--Platteville

PS:  Sorry my signature is so short--I'll work on it!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 11:55:56 -0400
Reply-To:     Pascal Poirier <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Pascal Poirier <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ghost joke

Why did the lady ghost not want to get a perm?



               |
               |
               |
          \    |    /
            \  |  /
              \|/




She wanted it supernatural!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 12:07:49 -0400
Reply-To:     Sandy Morrison <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sandy Morrison <[e-mail]>
Subject:      the pope's shower<may be offensive to some>

why does the pope wear shorts in the shower?




because he don't like lookin down on the unemployed.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 12:23:37 -0400
Reply-To:     Sandy Morrison <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sandy Morrison <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to some<cocerns gypsies>

why can't gypsie women have babies ?

cause thier husbands have crystal balls.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 12:24:05 -0400
Reply-To:     Erin Lynch <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Erin Lynch <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Great Retort
In-Reply-To:  <9401291551.AA04264@sparc>

Dear Mike,
Point?
EDL

On Sat, 29 Jan 1994, Mike Dalecki wrote:

> I saw this on the "Commish" a week or two ago.  Two guys were complaining
> about having to ride together as partners in a patrol car.  The commish's
> response:
>
> "Both of you have me confused with someone who gives a damn what you want!"
>
>
> Mike Dalecki
> University of Wisconsin--Platteville
>
> PS:  Sorry my signature is so short--I'll work on it!
>
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 12:35:05 -0400
Reply-To:     Sandy Morrison <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sandy Morrison <[e-mail]>
Subject:      gypsies

why don't the polish have ice cubes?
cause they lost the ancient recipe.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 11:36:06 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jeffrey Cutter <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Somewhat offensive jokes...

CAUTION:  May be offensive to blondes, lesbians, girls track teams, lawyers,
          game show hosts, roosters, and bobbits.




What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?

One is a phony buck...



What's the difference between a trisquit and a lesbian?

The trisquit is a snack cracker...



What's the difference between a tribe of pigmees and a girls track team?

A tribe of pigmees is a bunch of cunning runts...



What do Bob Barker and Laurena Bobbit have in common?

Bob Barker is a real slick pricer...



Whats the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal instict is to
     cluck defiance...



Anyone know some more?  I'd really like to hear them :)
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 11:50:26 -0500
Reply-To:     TAE-WOOK CHUN <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         TAE-WOOK CHUN <[e-mail]>

Why do so many people send their not so funny kokes to this humor line?
Because they have nothing better to do!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 12:06:36 -0500
Reply-To:     ENG 111 Student <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         ENG 111 Student <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A little humor (slight sexual content)

This is my first and probably last post to HUMOR.  With school and a full
time job, I just can't keep up with all the mail (though, thankfully, I
DO know how to UNSUBSCRIBE properly).  But I have really had a blast
being on this list.  Here goes:

A father and son were walking outside one afternoon when they came upon
two dogs going at it.  The son asks his father, "What are they doing?"
His father says, "Oh, they're just making puppies."

Later that night, the son woke up and went into his parents room.  He saw
them having sex.  The son asks, "Dad, what are you doing?"  The father
answers, "Oh, we're just making a baby."

The son replies, "Well, turn her around, Dad.  I want a puppy.

See ya'll.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 12:46:29 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Welcome 300+ new HUMORIST & Laws of Spam from Best-of-Usenet

Thanks to Brian Peek's announcement on his Letterman-Top_Ten list, we've
had at least 600 e-mailers taking their first look at HUMOR this week. Of
Of course many of these folks are new to e-mailing or new to a LISTSERV's
operations or they just make mistakes like we all do ... hence the high
number of signoff messages (sometimes expressed impolitely). Let's be
patient with these folks. If the increased volume of mail is bothering you,
look at my signature file below to review the options for controlling your
mail (including instructions on how to automatically SIGNOFF HUMOR).

I say this especially for our new HUMORist, READ THE RULES before posting
to HUMOR. This is strictly for humor--no chatter, no requests, no flames,
no apologies, no complaining on the public list (we encourage private mail).
If you want to improve the quality of HUMOR, encourage those people who
post humor that you enjoy and post SUBSTANTIAL examples of humor you enjoy.
Remember, at least 400 HUMORists are from international sites, so whenever
possible tell your humor so that our international members can enjoy it, too.
Best wishes, Bill

Article crossposted from alt.sci.physics.spam ]
Author is Benjamin Murray [e-mail]

Newton's 1st Law of Spam:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  A slab of spam at rest will remain at rest unless it decides to get up
  and move...

Newton's 2nd Law of Spam:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  A slab of spam in motion will remain in motion because everyone moves
  out of the way when they see it coming.

Newton's 3rd Law of Spam:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  For every action involving a slab of spam there is an equal and opposite
  reaction.
    ex. - Eat spam, Hurl spam.


Source: -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet --

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
Tips on controlling your HUMOR mail: If your subscription is from a
BITNET site, address mail or commands to <[e-mail]>; all
others should use the INTERNET address <[e-mail]>. To
request special assistance, write the listowner. Humor should be
sent to HUMOR@... To control your mail send LISTSERV@... the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR
MAIL, if you want to receive mail as it is posted; SET HUMOR DIGEST
if you want to receive HUMOR once a day; SET HUMOR INDEX, if you
only want to receive the DIGEST table of contents (you can download
articles separately); SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting
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files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to leave this list. HUMOR is archived in
3000 line logs; to get log numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR
to LISTSERV@... Never reply-to DIGEST or INDEX as that reply will
be posted to HUMOR with an invalid subject line. Since all
privileges on HUMOR are private to list members, you must address
the LISTSERV from your registered address. If that address changes,
you will need to change it here--if you want automatic services
from LISTSERV@... Enjoy the humor; encourage good contributions!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 13:24:16 -0600
Reply-To:     Headbang <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Headbang <[e-mail]>
Subject:      UNSUBSCRIBE

UNSUBSCRIBE David Balasa
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 18:10:33 MST
Reply-To:     Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Subject:      baseball

 This not so bright character was in line to get tickets for the world
 series and he was in line for about two hours and was about tenth in
 line when he hears someone from the rear of the line yell, "HEY, DAVE!!
 WHAT TIME YA COMMIN' OVER TONIGHT??!!"

 Well this guy steps out of line and starts craning his neck trying to see
 who had yelled.  He didn't see anyone trying to get his attention so he
 trys to step back in line but the guy there wouldn't let him back in so he
 goes to the end of the line.  Two hours later, he sixth in line when again
 he hears someone in the back yell, "HEY, DAVE!!  WHAT TIME YA COMMIN' OVER
 TONIGHT??!!"

 And like a putz he steps out of line again, doesn't see anyone and sure
 enough nobody will let him back in line.  To the rear march!!
 About two more hours go by and he's second in line!!  Sure enough, someone
 yells, "HEY, DAVE!!  WHAT TIME YA COMMIN' OVER TONIGHT??!!"

 But this time he's smart about it and he keeps his foot in line so he
 doesn't lose his place and yells back!!






























 "MY NAME'S NOT DAVE!!!!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 29 Jan 1994 22:25:39 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Clarity \"Clean\" Hands" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      3 nuns & the nude man <cute, slightly crude>

From:    KELLEY MILEY <[e-mail]>
Subject: First Dirty Joke- may be offensive to some...

Offensive to religious types...

There was a guy in a hotel, and he was just getting ready to take a
shower when he realized he didn't have any soap.  Forgetting that he
didn't have his clothes on, he opened up his door.  The cleaning cart
was still on his floor, but all the way down the hall.  He decided to
make a run for it.  He ran down the hall as fast as he could a
grabbed 2 bars of soap.  On his way back to the room, 3 nuns came out
of one of the other rooms.  Remembering that he was naked, he stood
back against the wall and hoped the nuns wouldn't see him.  As the
nuns passed by, they saw him and though he was a vending machine.
The first nun walked up to him and said, "I should get some soap to
bring home to the convent."  So she put a quarter in his mouth,
pulled on the handle and the soap dropped.  The second nun then said,
"I should get some soap for the homeless shelter."  So she put a
quarter in his mouth pulled on the handle and the second bar of soap
dropped.  The third nun then said,"No more soap, well, its only a
quarter, lets see what'll happen..."  So she put a quarter in his
mouth, pulled.......and hand cream came out.

Of course this joke was told in an all girls catholic school !!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 30 Jan 1994 16:13:29 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Chris Sidi <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lightbulb Jokes, one bad word

Q. How many plumbers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?





A. Five!  (you know, the Dow Jones thing?)




Q.  How many fucking doctors does it take?





A.  SIX!!!!!!!    :)

_____________________________________________________________________________
"I guess they won't join....not today anyway..." -Gloria
"I *LOVE* Byron Allen - I watch him everyday!" - Jim
"We lost two souls/ swimming in a fishbowl/ year after year" -Pink Floyd
"Was it love, or the idea of being in love?" -Pink Floyd
_____________________________________________________________________________

=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 30 Jan 1994 16:41:49 -0500
Reply-To:     Christine Gagne <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Christine Gagne <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: 111 reasons a cucumber is better than a man...

On Fri, 28 Jan 1994, Michael Thoeresz wrote:

> If they are funny please send them to me at [e-mail]
> thanx
>
>
>                                 l l l l l
>                                l l     l l
>                               l    - -    l
>                             l       |       l
>                               l    ----   l
>                               l---------- l
>
>
>
>
> On Thu, 27 Jan 1994, Jeff Cutter wrote:
>
> > This is my first post so I don't know if I'm doing this right,...
> > but I have a list of 111 reasons a cucumber is better than a man...
> > it is however obviosly too long to post, so If anyone wants it
> > you can e-mail me, my address is [e-mail]...
> >
> > Sorry to the person who requested the list, I deleted your message then
> > realized I had the list... jsut send me your address again :)
> >
> > Later,
> > Jeff
>


Jeff,
        I wouldn't mind hearing about the 111 reasons...maybe it'll help me
...JK!!
                Christine
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 30 Jan 1994 15:23:00 MST
Reply-To:     Chris Farmer <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Chris Farmer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Joke and announcement.

Everybody, there is a new MUD! Please telnet ernie.aa.edu 4242
for this exciting new adventure.
You can:
        1) Log on.
        2) Log off.

Have a blast.

PS: Real mud. Really.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 30 Jan 1994 19:02:31 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Naughty definitions

Adolescence: The stage of life between puberty and adultery.


Feminine hygiene: Artifical sweetener.


PTL Club: Pay The Lady Club.


Sodomy: Deep-seated love.


Conscience: The thing that hurts when everything else feels great.


Gross: When you dream about chocolate pudding and you wake up with a spoon in
your rear.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 30 Jan 1994 19:44:11 -0500
Reply-To:     Hilary Caws-Elwitt <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Hilary Caws-Elwitt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean but very corny

Good ol' jokes, guaranteed 100% original, written by Jonathan
Caws-Elwitt (my husband):

1. Why couldn't the waiter deliver the soup?

Because no one had signed the bill of ladling.

2. Cop making rounds: Is there anyone else in that car with you?

Banker: No, I'm a loan officer.

3. In Arabia, what's the best place to stay if you want to avoid
the expensive hotels?

At a Bedouin breakfast.

4. Why did the struggling actor want to play the Kaiser?

Because it's a big roll.

5. Who wears an albatross and a measuring tape around his neck?

Samuel Tailor Coleridge.

6. What sings and dances and issues speeding tickets?

A state trouper.

7. What does a Late Victorian dramatist use to lather his beard?

Shavian cream.

8. Who's never been to a bear mitzvah?

Gentile Ben.

9. The new DC-90 is over 1000 feet in length, a length which far
exceeds that of any other aircraft. What do you call this
situation?

A long plane record.

10. What do you call mewing, purring, and playing with yarn?

The Catskills.

11. "I'm so clumsy that when I go out dancing, I trip _over_ the
light fantastic."

Comments? Mail to [e-mail]
--
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 30 Jan 1994 22:50:44 EST
Reply-To:     Kramlich Gary CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Kramlich Gary CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: From the Daily Collegian

Please remove me from this distro.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 00:01:58 -0600
Reply-To:     Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Signs of the times

    The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.


At a Santa Fe gas station:      We will sell gasoline to anyone in
        a glass container.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:      Trespassers will be prosecuted
        to the full extent of the law.  --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:  38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall:    Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

On a movie theater:     Children's matinee today.  Adults not admitted
        unless with child.

In a Florida maternity ward:    No children allowed.

In the offices of a loan company:       Ask about our plans for owning
        your home.

In a New York medical building:         Mental Health Prevention Center

In a toy department:    Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting!

On a New York convalescent home:        For the sick and tired of the
        Episcopal Church.

At a number of military bases:  Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards:      Now available
        in multi-packs.

On a shopping mall marquee:     Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop:         We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store:       Why go elsewhere and be cheated when
        you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant:  Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In a New Jersey restaurant:     Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight.

In the vestry of a New England church:  Will the last person to leave please
        see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:     Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
        from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school:      No tresspassing without permission.

In a library:   Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public
        stops taking it away.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:        If you can't
        read this, it's time to wash your car.

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched
by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this
sign."
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 07:37:59 EST
Reply-To:     Doran William CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Doran William CDT <[e-mail]>

List Global
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 08:23:15 EST5EDT
Reply-To:     "Todd A. Barnash" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Todd A. Barnash" <[e-mail]>
Organization: College of Medicine, UF
Subject:      Dead spouse

How can you tell if your wife is dead?





     |
     |
     |
   \   /
    \ /











The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.


Todd Barnash
University of Florida
Department of Anatomy and Cell Biology
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 09:01:31 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Melon Poem

Clarissa, and her beau, Llewellyn,
Specialized in stealing melon.
Crime's Romeo and Juliet,
They were the infamous "Honeyduet."
Said Lew, "Though I'm a lucky felon,
You can't compete with watermelon."
Replied Clarissa: "Gollyx - maybe
That's why you're melancholy, baby.
The time is ripe to make a haul;
Let's hit the nearest produce stall!"
They made their heist that very day
And made a seedy getaway,
But two detectives on the trail
Said: "Sticky fingers lead to jail!"
And as they put the two on ice,
Llewellyn said: "It's been a slice!"
And now, our lovers sit and mope--
Depressed because they canteloupe.

From EQMM: Rind Justice by Deborah Lee
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 10:04:09 EST
Reply-To:     Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Pain of it All... (more Internet follies...)

Well, you all know how I berated, misinformed, helped and then saved
the newbies (SIGNOFF) from the list, right?

I thought the final posting would end this tragedy... until I received
the following in my personal e-mail:  (It made me cry!!! :)
(I think it's a joke?)

     > >      > SIGNOFF HUMOR
     > >
     > >   2) Wait for a response.  You are now off the list!
     >
     > yes, please take me off.  thanks.

Is such blessed ignorance still availible, wonders I?   :)
Or is the incarnation of Krishna playing games with me?   :)

_______________________________________________________________________________

 "I am NOT the listowner..."
                                    _ __ ___ ____ _____ ______ _______ ________

                                    Internet :  [e-mail]
_______________________________________________________________________________
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 10:20:48 EST
Reply-To:     David_Douglas <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David_Douglas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Bobbitry (Stephan Fry Trial)

TRIAL UPDATE: Midnight 21 January!!!! Fry Verdict announced.
Stefan Fry was acquitted of malicious wounding of his wife Magda
and sent for five weeks of free counselling. He had been charged
with searing his wife's genitals with a hot poker while she was
asleep. Re-enactment was the key for the Fry jury. They tried to place
themselves in his position, and decided that they would have done it too.
They discounted witness Johnny Kames' testimony that Stephen had told
him one day that he had planned to do it if Magda made him
eat turkey one more time.
Stefan Fry was seen leaving the court in company of well
wishers holding onto a box of choclates and smiling broadly.
"What an ordeal?" he was heard to say. A member of Stefan Fry's legal
team said Stefan wants to say to all abused men "Go out and talk to
somebody."
Magda Fry was able to walk out of the court. Even she was able to shake
hands with her well wishers and crack a tentative smile. Her lawyer
made the silly comment "Women everywhere would be wise to consider
sleeping alone behind a locked door because the law does not seem
to protect them anymore".
Spokesmen for Persons against the devaluation of male life
said "She's OK, Look! she is going to have the ego trip of being able
to buy a car with the Talk-show money she'll earn. Loss of her
womanhood is of little concequence, because who would want to listen
to her anyway".

      (Background on this trial available privately)
       [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 10:31:22 -0500
Reply-To:     gwen eckman <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         gwen eckman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to bills fans

how many buffalo bills does it take to change a flat tire?

one, unless it is a blowout and then they all show up!

why is a dollar bill worth more than the buffalo bills?

because with a dollar bill you will get your four quarters worth.

what is the buffalo bills new zip code

044
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 09:44:28 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Offensive to elephants, chorus girls, babies

What's the difference between a cocktail lounge and an elephant fart?
        Cocktail lounge is a barroom & an elephant fart is a BAHROOOM!

What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?
        A seagull flits along the shore & a baby sh....

What's the difference between an acrobatic team and a chorus line?
        An acrobatic team has a cunning array of stunts and a chorus
line is a stunning array of .....
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 11:13:15 EST
Reply-To:     Neil Diamond and a Big Box of Toe Jam <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Neil Diamond and a Big Box of Toe Jam <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Good joke, sexual, maybe offensive

  A city man decides that he has had enough of urban life and wants
to start a farm. He doesn't have much money, though, so he goes to
see an old farmer to get his start. "I'd like to buy a chicken and
a rooster," he says. "Well, young feller," says the farmer,"I reckon
that'd be okay. But out here in the country we call 'em a pullet and
a cock." "Okay then," says the guy, "I'll take a pullet and a cock."
  "Hey, what about a donkey?" says the city guy. "Well sure," says
the farmer,"but out here in the country we call them asses. All I got
is an stubborn old mule out back. He stops alot and he'll only go again
if you scratch 'im." "That's fine," says the guy.He pays the farmer
and heads off down the road. A little while later, the mule stops in the
middle of the road. No matter what the guy does, he won't go. Then he
remembers to scratch it, but he can't put his chickens down, or they'll
run off.
  Shortly, a woman comes down the road. She sees him and stops. "Can
I help you?" she says."  "Oh yes," said the guy,"could you hold my cock
and pullet while I scratch my ass?" She slapped him and took off.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 08:19:49 PST
Reply-To:     "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bills Make It Four Straight

Subject: Bills make it Four Straight

B.I.L.L.S.: Boy, I Love Losing Superbowls!


Regards,                                       The "OTHER" Washington
                                           ____________________________
Michael J. Irvin                           \   /\/\             /\  /\|
Computer Services Consultant    P   ______  |  /\/\               /\  |
Information Technology          aO \      / \   /\          Spokane + |
Washington State University     cc \  /\ \   |+Seattle                |
Pullman, WA 99164-1222          ie  |  /\ \ /    /\                   |
U.S.A.                          fa   \     |     /\                   |
                                in   |          /\      Pullman/WSU->*|
Telephone: [phone]         c     \        /\          ____________\
BITNet:   IRVINMJ@WSUVM1               ----\   /\    _____/
Internet: [e-mail]        \-------/
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 16:41:06 +0000
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sean Boy <[e-mail]>
Organization: University College Dublin
Subject:      very offensive - sexual content - child abuse

A man is making love to a girl.

after about 1/2 an hour, the girl says "Please stop, the pain is
excruciating"

The man says "That's a very big word for a 5 year old!!"

    ----------------------------------------------

Sorry about that.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 12:49:05 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Huffy C <[e-mail]>
Subject:      requesting lawyer jokes

Could somebody post or send me some good lawyer jokes?
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 13:14:14 -0500
Reply-To:     Andrew B Stellman <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Andrew B Stellman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lawyer Joke [request, offensive: sexual, nonconsentual sex]
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

So this lawyer is walking down the hall to his apartment, and he hears
muffled screams coming from a room. He opens the door, and there's a
woman, her hands and feet bound, her mouth gagged, her clothes in
tatters. He removes her gag and says, "What happened?"

She says, "I was just attacked and raped by two men. Quick, call the police!"

The lawyer starts to undo his belt and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

Andy
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 13:12:06 EST5EDT
Reply-To:     Andy Mavrias <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Andy Mavrias <[e-mail]>
Organization: McGill University - 550 Complex
Subject:      Re: Somewhat offensive jokes...

> What do Bob Barker and Laurena Bobbit have in common?
>
> Bob Barker is a real slick pricer...

    Yes but what do they have in common?

    A firm belief in Spaying & neutering your pet....

L8r!
 *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
[e-mail] |                                       |
Andy Mavrias                 |                  Life                 |
Systems Manager/Programmer   |                 has no                |
McGill University, ICC       |               UNDO  button            |
Montreal, Quebec, CANADA(eh) |                                       |
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 18:32:37 +0000
Reply-To:     "A.S. Frieze" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "A.S. Frieze" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      John Cleese

John Cleese, the famous member of the Monty Python team, played a smashing prank
while at college. He painted the legs of the statue in the yard at his college
in red paint, and then painted red footprints from the statue all the way to the
men's toilet and back - stopping in front of one of the urinals...

Well, I thought it was funny...


--
+------------------------------------------------------+
| Ashley Frieze - [e-mail]      \ /  |
+--------------------------------------------------X---+
|"Touch my tears with your lips, touch my world with   |
| your fingertips, and we can have forever." Brian May |
+------------------------------------------------------+
(prizes for guessing the `hidden` Queen song reference.)
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 13:41:33 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Good News / Bad news

The Washington Post Style Invitational challenge published Sunday 1-20-94 was:

        Come up with a good news/bad news scenario.

        4th place was:
        Good news: You get an expensive designer bag.
        Bad news:  It's a colostomy bag.

        3rd place:
        Good news: Jack Kent Cooke has finally agreed to rename the Redskins.
        Bad News:  They're going to be called the Laurel "William Donald
                   Schaefers."
                   [The team has been trying to build a new stadium and the
                   owner, a most determined man, has said he will move them to
                   the Maryland suburb of Laurel.  Schaefer, the Governor has
                   been holding out for a team in Baltimore and Cooke offered
                   to name the stadium that _Cooke_ will build after the Gov.
                   The name change has been suggested because 'redskins' is no
                   longer thought to be politically correct] -- for those
                   readers not in the greater Washington Area.

     2nd place:
     Good news: You traded in that gun for a new pair of expensive jogging
               shoes.
     Bad news:  On your way out, you're shot by someone who wants your shoes.

     First runner up:
     Good news: A thorough investigation of all available whitewater company
                records exonerates the Clintons of any wrong doing.
     Bad news:  the White House Toilets are clogged.

     Winner:

     Good news: At long last, the Navy has redesigned it's uniforms for women.
     Bad news:  They look like this ---------->  Arrow points to a woman
                                                dressed as a gisha.
     -------------------------------------------------------

     Other good ones:
     G: YOur dentist is very generous with nitrous oxide.
     B: He always asks you to disrobe and put on a paper gown.

     g: In a high speed auto crash, an airbag saves your life.
     b: the doctor tells your mother you had on dirty underwear.

     G: You just picked all the correct numbers in the Virginia Lottery.
     B: you played them on the Maryland lottery.

The bad news: Lorena found the filet knife.

The good news: Lorena couldn't find the cheese grater.


Good news:  God speaks to you.

Bad news: he wants you to sacrificed a loved one.


Good news:  three ghosts visit you Christmas eve, and change your life.

Bad news:  Larry, Moe and Curley; and Moe puts your eye out...


Good news: Grandpa has been taken off the respirator and released from the
hospital.

Bad news.  Because he's dead.


Good news: bacon is found to be good for you.

Bad news: only if boiled.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 13:49:11 EST
Reply-To:     Tom Murray <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tom Murray <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: new Mcmeal deal
In-Reply-To:  In reply to your message of FRI 28 JAN 1994 16:06:22 EST

In response to Kevin's suggesion below:

> MacDonald's just started selling a new Meal Deal.
> It's called the michael jackson special.
> Guess what's in it?
>
> Dark meat between two 8 year old buns!!

McDonalds (tm) has started selling yet another addition to their value
menu:

    The McBobbitt and Frye

    1 stub of a hot dog and an order of searing hot french fries.
       Sooo hot in fact it will bring tears to the eyes of even
         the most cold woman!  :{

Tom Murray ==> [e-mail]     "Net tag, you're it!"
Ferris State University
Computer Center
Big Rapids  MI  49307
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 10:51:00 PST
Reply-To:     Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Subject:      FWD: requesting lawyer jokes

>Could somebody post or send me some good lawyer jokes?

Now THAT is funny!  Good Lawyers?  Yuk, yuk, yuk!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 13:59:42 EST
Reply-To:     Frank Moore <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Frank Moore <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: requesting lawyer jokes

    If you can use telnet to get into the University of Minn. Gopher,
    they have pages and pages of lawyer kokes.

    frank moore
    [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 14:36:54 EST
Reply-To:     Nate Mann AP35-1008 x4774 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nate Mann AP35-1008 x4774 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lawyer jokes

Q? What do you call a lawyer 6 feet underground?
A. A good start
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 13:55:38 -0600
Reply-To:     Bob Jamison 713-286-5260 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bob Jamison 713-286-5260 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Fine Sign

Texas, as do other states, has a good number of "twofer" businesses.
These are two one-man shops in the same building that quite often have
very little in common; i.e., barber shop/bar and grill.

My favorite local twofer is a cottage with a sign reading:

"Pet Grooming and Alterations"






Would the proprietor say,

"Should I take that up a little?"


--
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
==  ===   | | |     | Robert W. Jamison Jr.         | Ph  713-286-5260  ==
==  |  |  | | |     | I-NET Houston Regional Office | Fax [phone]  ==
==  ===   | | |  |  | 1020 Bay Area Blvd Suite 202  | [e-mail]  ==
==  |  \   = =    ==  Houston, TX  77058            |                   ==
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 15:05:50 EDT
Reply-To:     "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bobbitt joke

Have you heard there's a bill before the Senate which would require a five
day waiting period for women who want to purchase steak knives?
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 15:07:06 EDT
Reply-To:     "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Buffalo Bills joke

Have you heard that the Buffalo Bills are moving to the Philippines?  Their
name will be changed to the Manila Folders.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 20:03:18 GMT
Reply-To:     1063 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         1063 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lawyer joke (offensive)

        A lawyer, an engineer, and a doctor were trying to discover who had
the oldest profession.  The doctor said "God made a woman from the rib of
Adam.  Since removal of a rib is a surgical procedure.  Medicine is the
oldest profession."
        The engineer said "If you remember, the book of Genesis said that god
created order out of chaos.  Since the world is a system that still works and
everything is still pretty much in order compared to chaos, then engineering
has to be the oldest profession."
        After a few minutes of contemplation the lawyer finally offered "Who
do you think created chaos?!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do lawyers wear neck ties?
(pg down)








To hold the foreskin back!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
        Did you hear that they are using lawyers in labratory experiments
now?  There are three reasons:
1.  There is an abundant supply (more so than white rats)
2.  There is no possibility that the lab techs will fall in love with an
attorney and set him free
3.  There are some things you can't get even a white rat to do!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know what is brown and black and looks good on an attorney?










A doberman!


     Had enough lawyer jokes?

Don Osborne  mwbbmsg![e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 14:23:45 -0600
Reply-To:     Rogers Shane Patrick <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Rogers Shane Patrick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      May be offensive to dickheads and lawyers (I know they're the
              same thing)

Selections from February's Playboys Party Jokes:

"Say Al," one club member asked another,
"how come Rick's not your doubles partner
anymore?"
   "Would you be a partner with a guy who's
always late, never repays loans, blames you for
every loss and tries to screw both your wife and
your daughter?"
        "Of Course NOT."
   "Well, neither would Rick."




Two old friends stopped for a drink
after work.  "I don't understand," Cindy
complained. "People take an instant dislike to
me when they find out I'm a lawyer. Why would
they do that?"
   "Maybe," her companion suggested, " it just
saves time."


For the rest of the jokes from Playboy this month, pick up a copy and
enjoy the stimulating articles! (or email me)
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 16:10:04 -0500
Reply-To:     "Shake it more than once,
              you playing with it" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Shake it more than once,
              you playing with it" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      semi-sexual joke

For those of you with GIGGLES, I'm sorry about the double print.

This guy and girl are going at it, when the guy looks at the girl and
says,"Baby, you ain't got no tits and you got a tight box."
To this the girl replies," Get off my back!"

ICEman aka Tim
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 13:29:22 -0800
Reply-To:     John Tenney <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         John Tenney <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Signs of the times
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

Another good sign comes from Oakland CA:

Bus Stop.  No Stopping.  Buses excepted.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 16:02:10 [phone]
Reply-To:     Martha Stanley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Martha Stanley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      another bobbit comment

You know, there is a supreme irony in the name "Bobbitt."  To bob
something means to cut off as in 1) Bells on Bobtail ring, making spirits
bright (Jingle Bells) which refers to the custom of cutting off horses
tails in the days of Black Beauty and as in 2) bobbed hair held up with
bobby pins, referring to the 20's when women cut off their hair very short
and had to hold it todgether, not with hair pins as was the custom, but
with crimped hair pins called bobby pins.

And now the joke.....Didja hear that both Bobbits got new jobs?  Yep,
she's selling Ginsu knives and he's selling snap-on tools!!

 On  a chilly day such as today, aren't you glad you're a mammal?

[e-mail] (Martha Stanley, Tallahassee, Florida)
The  best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas first!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 18:48:43 EST
Reply-To:     Nash Kimberly CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nash Kimberly CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: requesting lawyer jokes

Lawyer Jokes...

     How can you tell the difference between a run-over skunk and a run-over
lawyer?

     There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

************

     Why won't a shark bite a lawyer?

     Professional courtesy.


kim nash
wnited states military academy
west point, new york 10997
go army - beat navy
go army track
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 17:51:55 -40962758
Reply-To:     Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Subject:      query

query humor
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 15:38:27 -0700
Reply-To:     Melissa Brown <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Melissa Brown <[e-mail]>
Subject:      SIGNOFF HUMOR

PLEASE SIGN ME OFF YOUR LIST
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 19:22:07 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David Miles <[e-mail]>
Subject:      M. Jackson

What does Micheal Jackson and Kmart have in common?

Little boys pants half off!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 17:38:00 -00
Reply-To:     MIKE TOMLIANOVICH <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         MIKE TOMLIANOVICH <[e-mail]>
Subject:      viruses (clean)

Received from a colleague:

 ...a little virus info, since it is the cold and flu season...

Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disc attack-- once by LAN; twice if by C:.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a 'virus', but instead
refers to itself as an 'electronic microorganism'.

Right to Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to see a
counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.

Mario Coumo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochromatic monitor.

Arnold Schwartzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be
be back.

Dan Quayle Virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process
without joining into a binary network.

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of
little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent
of their data 14 percent of the time(plus or minus a 3.5 percent
margin of error).
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 20:03:31 -40962758
Reply-To:     Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: query
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]> from "Smith MeOsha CDT" at
              Jan 31, 94 09:45:15 pm

>
> >query humor
>
>
> who are you and what doea this mean?
>      meosha
>
Sorry, I meant to send it to listserv, not the list
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 22:45:39 -0500
Reply-To:     "D. E. Gulledge" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "D. E. Gulledge" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: requesting lawyer jokes
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

On Mon, 31 Jan 1994, Huffy C wrote:

> Could somebody post or send me some good lawyer jokes?
>
Finally, a substantial example of humor, I didn't know there was such a
creature as a good lawyer.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 20:34:45 -0800
Reply-To:     Dan Spam Garcia <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dan Spam Garcia <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: twofer businesses

From: [e-mail] (Floyd S. Shipman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

      From time to time I have heard about unusual business
combinations such as a Funeral Parlor and Furniture Store.
Recently I was told of one that really got to me.  It was a
combined Veterinarian and Taxidermist business with the
motto: "Either Way You Get Your Dog Back".

source is NPR's Car Talk
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 23:41:00 EST
Reply-To:     Nicholas Nazarko <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nicholas Nazarko <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Trek stuff #1

Don't know if this stuff has been posted before or not, but it's good
enough to risk repetition...

Nicholas Nazarko
[e-mail]


>           THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'VE WATCHED TOO MUCH STAR TREK:
>
>  10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green
>      Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
>   9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
>   8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
>      Enterprise.
>   7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon
>      and torture you for information.
>   6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and
>      crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
>   5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers
>      of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
>   4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't
>      that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
>   3) You have no life.
>   2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
>   1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you
>      calculated for the planet Vulcan.
>
>             TOP TEN BUMPER STICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
>
> 10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
>  9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
>  8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
>  7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
>  6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
>  5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
>  4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
>  3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
>  2. "We brake for cubes!"
>  1. "Wesley On Board!"
>
>                  TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETACHED HEAD
>
>
> 20.  Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
> 19.  The ball in Parisis' Squares
> 18.  Hood ornament for Shuttle craft
> 17.  Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
> 16.  Scare blind students in Braille class
> 15.  Prop open doors for maintenance crews
> 14.  Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
> 13.  Footstool for Captain's chair
> 12.  entertaining kids in day care puppet show
> 11.  Scare Alexander into doing chores
> 10.  Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
>  9.  Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
>  8.  Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in
>      research
>  7.  Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
>  6.  Two words:  tether ball
>  5.  Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
>  4.  Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
>  3.  Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
>  2.  Use as nutcracker at Christmas time
>  1.  Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life
>      insurance policy


Credit as far as I know goes to:


> *************************************************************************
> *                                                                       *
> *       Kenneth Pruett          Southern College of Technology          *
> *       [e-mail]        Marietta, Georgia                 *
> *                                                                       *
> *       Beauty is hereditary --- Your mother is ugly!                   *
> *       C code. C code run.  Run, code, run!                            *
> *                                                                       *
> ************************************************************************